Truths: Her life, my expectations

I remember being in high school and talking with friends about having children.  Our biggest, naïve and ignorant concern was “what if they were ugly and unpopular?”  I know that sounds extremely shallow – but we were teenagers – everything about us was shallow and self-centered.

As we moved into our 20’s and having children seemed to be a closer reality we worried if they would be healthy.

After our children were born and healthy – we worried about their development.  Would they walk soon, when would they talk… were they behind – or better yet, were they above average?

Soon our children got to school and we worried if they would make friends, if they would be nicer to the teacher than they were to us, or if they would be gifted.

Once in school, we started signing them up for extra curricular activities.  For Abby it was soccer – though I had hoped she would like dancing.  Sure, she tried it and cheerleading and horseback riding but she liked soccer.

When soccer became a part of who she was – she added basketball… we gave hip hop a shot – but she stuck to “real” sports.  (Much to my dismay)

She has been playing both sports for most of her young life now… even through some tough breaks (literally): two broken wrists and a fractured foot.  So, when she had another injury last month – we really thought nothing of it – and assumed, wrongly, that it was yet another fracture.  (she should drink more milk)

But, it wasn’t a fracture or a torn tendon or anything that would show up on an x-ray or MRI.  It was deemed tendonitis and for the 2^nd time in her life she would wear a boot.

It happens to be travel basketball and soccer season right now – so she was out of both sports for 3 weeks.  This winter she was out of basketball much of the time due to vacations and illness.

And quite honestly, she has fallen behind.  Not just because she has missed so much – but because her body and her personality haven’t kept up with the girls around her.  They all have at least 6” on her and the more I watch these girls play – I notice how much more aggressive they are.  They are tough and… Abby isn’t.

For 8 years she has hung in there – neck and neck with everyone – but I just don’t think she can do it anymore…

She doesn’t talk about it – and we tend to think that her foot thing is really a cover for not participating.  (she denies it).

Maybe a part of me wants to believe that the injury will heal and she will take practice seriously and make a HUGE comeback by fall…(eventually earning a full-ride scholarship as the point guard for Illinois – I am kidding – I was naïve at 16 not at 41)

But then last night, as I watched her keep stats for the team on the sidelines – I couldn’t help but notice the pen she was using… A gerber daisy… and then there were the hair scrunchies she made for the team – that I didn’t see anyone using – except her.

I have to face that Abby is a girly girl and tough athletics don’t seem to be in her future.

It happens to be pom tryouts this week.  A sport that I had wanted for her all along.  In fact, last year, when she hesitated asking if she could try-out – I nearly jumped for joy.  A sport I understood.

See, I did soccer when I was young… and I played basketball in junior high (and I danced all along from the age of 2) I tried the “real” sports and made the team but usually sat on the bench.  Eventually, my two best friends grew 6 inches taller than me – and could dribble and pitch and shoot like I never could so I let go of the career I never thought I had and became a cheerleader and a football manager and a yearbook editor…

I don’t know what expectations my parents had for me.  But, I do know that once I found my “thing(s)” I was happy and I was good at them.

Now, I sit in the bleachers watching my daughter keep score instead of play – and worry that she is lost – that she is struggling with what she wants and what she is capable of.

I don’t know what to do…what to push or what to let go.

All of this time she stayed away from dance and performing and if she makes the pom squad again this year – I can’t help but believe that its going to be her thing.

How do you tell your own kid that you don’t cut it anymore in basketball- do you even tell your kid that?

I worry that its MY expectation she is on the pom squad.  While I have gone out my way in the past to encourage her to try things like dance and cheer – I have never made a big deal out of any of it.  But now I feel like I need to make a big deal out of something because she needs something to believe in herself.

Honestly, it doesn’t matter to me what Abby chooses (though I love the though of it being poms and dance) but I do believe that she has to choose at least one thing and maybe it will be her injury that chooses for her.  (According to her – poms doesn’t make her foot hurt)

Or I think – if she is going to keep stats – at least do it for the boys teams because that is what I did and I LOVED it.  (And, if I loved it – she should too, right?)

Being 13 is hard enough – I remember what it was like.  What I don’t remember was if my parents came out and told me what to do – what I was good at or if they let me figure it out on my own.

By week’s end we will know if she made the pom squad and perhaps that will lead to some parent of the year talk – where we calmly sit down and explore our feelings and discuss her future and where it is headed and by the end have a detailed plan, dance classes set-up and embrace like loving mother and daughter. 

I know its her life – but I get to have some expectations, right?