Amongst my shallow angst this week, I found opportunities of deep revelation. There are no jokes today just pause for thought and contemplation.
See earlier this week, my ex-husband’s grandma – Abby’s great grandma – an amazing lady we fondly called Mor Mor passed away. At 97 it was a blessing but still a sad loss to all those who knew her – me included.
Also earlier this week, my grandma, a spry 91 years old was hospitalized for the very first time in her whole life (except for childbirth).
As I sat in the hospital room one night she said, “Becky, if I go – its okay – I am ready. I have led a very full life at 91 and have no regrets. I have always been happy – what else could I ask for?”
Her words pierced my soul… When my day comes, will I be able to except death as readily as she is? What regrets am I still agonizing over? What dreams do I still have? Are there things that keep from a happy life – what are they?
I fell asleep that night pondering her words…wondering how on Earth I could ever be that at peace with the end of my life. Is it just that I am so young and not ready? Or is my life too full of crap to be at peace with the simple things in life.
My opportunity for reflection did not end that night as I attended the wake and service of Mor Mor the following day. At 97, Mor Mor led a complete life and while I never had the chance to hear her say what my grandma was saying – I believe that Mor Mor would have said it to me as well.
The service, performed by a woman chaplain, was so sincere and genuine – her affections for Mor Mor obvious and her insight became priceless – to me.
In her words, she spoke of how Mor Mor was part of the lives of so many and because of her – all of our lives were changed forever – she would always be with us because of the way she touched us.
And with those words, I wondered – how do I touch people’s lives? If I were to die today – what would they take with them? What would I want them to keep as a part of me – not something materialistic – but heartfelt.
Its been a long, sometimes hard week. What started as a saga over a stove became an emotional, thought provoking few days.
We don’t always get chances to think about what is important so I treasure the times that I do. It gives me pause to reflect on my own life and to make course corrections so that when I am walking on the edge of my end, I can solidly say I am ready, I have lived a full life and have no regrets.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Truths: Some thing weren’t mean to be (aka: Julia Child does NOT live here)
Okay, so the stove came yesterday. I spent the last two days in preparation… Cleaning out the pantry, organizing the shelves… Anticipating my moment of sheer cooking inspiration. This was going to be “it.” This long awaited time in my life when I would not only have the urge to cook and bake – but a time when I would enjoy it on my new and beautiful new stainless steel stove.
What a pipe dream.
Monday night my husband unhooked the gas line and pulled the old clunker out and found, of course, what looked like the remains of a cat – or at least enough fur to make a new cat. That and a Barbie shoe, some hair ties, toy mice and even a few crumbs – those must have come from the previous owners.
To my pleasant surprise he began wiping down the floor and by bedtime – the area was prepped for our new baby…
The delivery truck pulled in at 11am – just like they said they would and I was getting excited. The nice man came to see where the new one would go and he and a partner strapped up the old one and took it away.
I wonder where those go? Does someone want them? Or is there a graveyard for appliances that just don’t work anymore – they have done their duty and now they rest in some peaceful place conversing with each other about all the mishaps they have endured through the years – turkeys that were burnt, birthday cakes they made, water that boiled over and yes, chatted about people like me – who had no business even turning them on. Do they favor people like me – who made their life easy or would they rather be busy making feasts? Hmmm I wonder.
Anyway, the old guy was out the door and my new life was heading in. That is until deliveryman told me that I should have had professional installers with this stove. That he was unable to hook it up the way this kind of stove needed. He was just a delivery guy and I would have to contact the salesperson. I even got a call from Best Buy while the delivery guy stood in front of me – explaining the mix-up.
This can’t be happening… I was on the verge of a life changing moment.
The truck pulled away as did my dream of baking the perfect meatloaf and left me with a gorgeous range in the middle of my kitchen.
Of course I did what any wife does –I called my husband. I explained to him like the delivery guy explained to me and added that I think he could just do it when he got home – it didn’t sound that complicated.
He hesitated but like any good husband – agreed that he would look into it when he got home.
Deflated – I circled my kitchen… and noticed the ugly green porcelain sink that we have and thought, “Maybe we could replace that this weekend.”
Knowing that I wouldn’t be making homemade mashed potatoes or kneading a meatloaf in the afternoon, I got on the internet and googled, “Replacing a kitchen sink” I watched the Home Depot video and thought, “Yep, we can do this – Hell, I could do this.”
So, I surfed the web for sinks and comforted my disappointment with the stove with the hope for a new sink.
A lot of other things went wrong during the day – and by the time we got home from visiting my grandma in the hospital – my husband had the stove opened up and concern on his face.
I could see that the news he was about to share was not good… and in his nicest voice he said, “We have a bigger problem.”
See, the gas line which comes up in the floor was 4 inches from the wall – which mean that my slide-in range was not going to slide all the way in. No, instead it would leave a 4-inch gaping hole. My pretty stove was going to leave an unsightly space between the wall and the range.
This is NOT how this was supposed to go. My husband finagled a few things to see if he could make them work but to no avail… so we did what any couple does – we went down to the basement remodel and grabbed our ingenious contractor, Chris.
Unfortunately, gas lines don’t bend and kink like other things – so there was no easy fix for this rather big problem.
Instead, Chris replied, “Well, when we remodel your kitchen in the spring we could re-run the gas line and make it work…”
Before he could finish – my husband was choking on his beer and asking, “Did I know we were remodeling the kitchen in the spring.”
“That is not important right now,” I replied… “What can you do, Chris?”
Deep breath – my kitchen remodel was between Chris and I - I had planned to tell Bill about it one night after he has a few drinks… Yada yada.
So, for now Chris is going to fill the black hole with some matching trim and for now, it will be okay.
By the time my head it the pillow, my excitement and anticipation for the day was left mutilated by the realities that overcame me.
That day a few weeks ago when I left the store glassy-eyed – planning my dinner parties was now nothing more than a faint memory – a broken dream – a burnt cake.
What a pipe dream.
Monday night my husband unhooked the gas line and pulled the old clunker out and found, of course, what looked like the remains of a cat – or at least enough fur to make a new cat. That and a Barbie shoe, some hair ties, toy mice and even a few crumbs – those must have come from the previous owners.
To my pleasant surprise he began wiping down the floor and by bedtime – the area was prepped for our new baby…
The delivery truck pulled in at 11am – just like they said they would and I was getting excited. The nice man came to see where the new one would go and he and a partner strapped up the old one and took it away.
I wonder where those go? Does someone want them? Or is there a graveyard for appliances that just don’t work anymore – they have done their duty and now they rest in some peaceful place conversing with each other about all the mishaps they have endured through the years – turkeys that were burnt, birthday cakes they made, water that boiled over and yes, chatted about people like me – who had no business even turning them on. Do they favor people like me – who made their life easy or would they rather be busy making feasts? Hmmm I wonder.
Anyway, the old guy was out the door and my new life was heading in. That is until deliveryman told me that I should have had professional installers with this stove. That he was unable to hook it up the way this kind of stove needed. He was just a delivery guy and I would have to contact the salesperson. I even got a call from Best Buy while the delivery guy stood in front of me – explaining the mix-up.
This can’t be happening… I was on the verge of a life changing moment.
The truck pulled away as did my dream of baking the perfect meatloaf and left me with a gorgeous range in the middle of my kitchen.
Of course I did what any wife does –I called my husband. I explained to him like the delivery guy explained to me and added that I think he could just do it when he got home – it didn’t sound that complicated.
He hesitated but like any good husband – agreed that he would look into it when he got home.
Deflated – I circled my kitchen… and noticed the ugly green porcelain sink that we have and thought, “Maybe we could replace that this weekend.”
Knowing that I wouldn’t be making homemade mashed potatoes or kneading a meatloaf in the afternoon, I got on the internet and googled, “Replacing a kitchen sink” I watched the Home Depot video and thought, “Yep, we can do this – Hell, I could do this.”
So, I surfed the web for sinks and comforted my disappointment with the stove with the hope for a new sink.
A lot of other things went wrong during the day – and by the time we got home from visiting my grandma in the hospital – my husband had the stove opened up and concern on his face.
I could see that the news he was about to share was not good… and in his nicest voice he said, “We have a bigger problem.”
See, the gas line which comes up in the floor was 4 inches from the wall – which mean that my slide-in range was not going to slide all the way in. No, instead it would leave a 4-inch gaping hole. My pretty stove was going to leave an unsightly space between the wall and the range.
This is NOT how this was supposed to go. My husband finagled a few things to see if he could make them work but to no avail… so we did what any couple does – we went down to the basement remodel and grabbed our ingenious contractor, Chris.
Unfortunately, gas lines don’t bend and kink like other things – so there was no easy fix for this rather big problem.
Instead, Chris replied, “Well, when we remodel your kitchen in the spring we could re-run the gas line and make it work…”
Before he could finish – my husband was choking on his beer and asking, “Did I know we were remodeling the kitchen in the spring.”
“That is not important right now,” I replied… “What can you do, Chris?”
Deep breath – my kitchen remodel was between Chris and I - I had planned to tell Bill about it one night after he has a few drinks… Yada yada.
So, for now Chris is going to fill the black hole with some matching trim and for now, it will be okay.
By the time my head it the pillow, my excitement and anticipation for the day was left mutilated by the realities that overcame me.
That day a few weeks ago when I left the store glassy-eyed – planning my dinner parties was now nothing more than a faint memory – a broken dream – a burnt cake.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Truths: The reality of being a citizen
So, last night I exercised my right to freedom of speech and attended a Woodstock City Council meeting. I was there on behalf of a proposed ordinance change to a current leash law for dogs (go figure).
At the present – Woodstock institutes an “at heel” provision – meaning that you can either have your dog on a leash OR you can have them at your side… Of course, the intent is that only well-behaved dogs will be “at heel” but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that probably isn’t the reality of the situation.
I became involved because my groomer felt compelled to get this ordinance changed – and well, I do agree that “at heel” is a terrible accident waiting to happen.
It has taken over two years for the council to consider this proposal and last night it went up for a vote.
But, lets back up… I have never attended a city council meeting before. I have voted for council members based on what was written about them in the paper – but never actually saw them at work. It was seriously scary.
Scary in that – there wasn’t one topic brought up last night that the majority of them didn’t already know how they would vote on… They came to the meeting with deaf ears and that was very disheartening. In fact, they also came to the meeting armed with their own citizens ready to make their arguments.
I favor one of the members, not only because she voted in favor of removing the “at heel” provision (go Julie Dillon!) but because out of all the members she seemed like she was listening without tainted thoughts. There is another woman, Maureen Larson, who also appeared to be open minded (though she voted against removing the “at heel” provision) but none the less – she did her own research and gave valid reasons for why she was voting on all of the issues last night.
First it has to be pointed out that both of the members I favor are women. I never meant there to be a bias – but it does come down to the fact that the male members of the group did not listen to what anyone had to say last night – they only listened to themselves.
Second, the entire evening gave way to “the good ole boys club” phenomenon which apparently I naively believed was not something a town as big as Woodstock (22,000 people) would fall prey to.
I thought we were too big, too forward thinking, too liberal (all things I love about my town) for that sort of stuff but last night I was witness to it.
First, it was a citizen voicing his concerns about a gravel pit near his house not adhering to the regulations the city set-up so the gravel pit could operate. It just happens that the owner of the gravel pit is a prominent figure in the community and more than likely both friends and supporter of many of the members. And while I am certain the gravel pit contributes its share to the community – I also know that it does not operate in 100% compliance of not just the city regs but the state laws… And c’mon, if you live in McHenry County – no gravel pit is your friend.
But, in reality – I could sense the pretense of the issue. A supervisor of the gravel pit spoke in response (more like retaliation) to the complaint and while I am sure he meant well – there was very little remorse for the situation – very little ownership for both the problem and/or the responsibility to do something about it. And, it just didn’t seem like the majority of the council members were willing to stand up for the concerned citizen. Instead, they hid behind minor changes they would make and said that the gravel pit owner was working with the city in a cooperative effort and they were grateful for his efforts. The citizen suggested that perhaps the cooperative effort could translate to following the rules in the future.
Second, a builder was on the agenda for requesting an extension for building the sidewalks they said they would build when they started the development. Sure, we all realize that the construction trades have fallen flat on their face and that the myriad of building phases they had planned have all but collapsed. But, the fact of the matter is that they do have residents living in their communities – who thought they were going to be getting something for the money they spent and now that the builders are losing money – the people who bought the properties are left with little to say. The irony is that if the resident could no longer pay the assessment or association fee because they lost their job – I have a hard time believing that the builder would let it slide..
But anyway, the man gave a nice and caring speech and being the good boys that they are – they gave him a TWO YEAR hiatus on the sidewalks. TWO years – sure he could build them sooner – but what are the odds he will?
That was the kind of night it was… and the leash law was no different. Certain members of the council put all the right players in place to get just what they wanted. And, sadly, my first council meeting left me feeling raped of my civil liberties and flabbergasted that I lived in a community that worships the good ole boys.
On the positive side – I know who I will and will not vote for in the next council election… and I will try and make it a priority to pop in to a few more city council meetings but the reality is that I was better off never going – never realizing that I should be a little ashamed (maybe a lot) of what my council practices.
I sit on the fence with my political views – while I am certain my social beliefs are liberal my fiscal views tend to be conservative… my family calls me a democrat but I question it – I believe that everyone has a right to make money and that they shouldn’t have to give it all away to someone who chooses not to make money – but last night I was sadly reminded why there are laws to protect consumers, citizens from big businesses and why no one should be able to be in office for more than one term.
At the present – Woodstock institutes an “at heel” provision – meaning that you can either have your dog on a leash OR you can have them at your side… Of course, the intent is that only well-behaved dogs will be “at heel” but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that probably isn’t the reality of the situation.
I became involved because my groomer felt compelled to get this ordinance changed – and well, I do agree that “at heel” is a terrible accident waiting to happen.
It has taken over two years for the council to consider this proposal and last night it went up for a vote.
But, lets back up… I have never attended a city council meeting before. I have voted for council members based on what was written about them in the paper – but never actually saw them at work. It was seriously scary.
Scary in that – there wasn’t one topic brought up last night that the majority of them didn’t already know how they would vote on… They came to the meeting with deaf ears and that was very disheartening. In fact, they also came to the meeting armed with their own citizens ready to make their arguments.
I favor one of the members, not only because she voted in favor of removing the “at heel” provision (go Julie Dillon!) but because out of all the members she seemed like she was listening without tainted thoughts. There is another woman, Maureen Larson, who also appeared to be open minded (though she voted against removing the “at heel” provision) but none the less – she did her own research and gave valid reasons for why she was voting on all of the issues last night.
First it has to be pointed out that both of the members I favor are women. I never meant there to be a bias – but it does come down to the fact that the male members of the group did not listen to what anyone had to say last night – they only listened to themselves.
Second, the entire evening gave way to “the good ole boys club” phenomenon which apparently I naively believed was not something a town as big as Woodstock (22,000 people) would fall prey to.
I thought we were too big, too forward thinking, too liberal (all things I love about my town) for that sort of stuff but last night I was witness to it.
First, it was a citizen voicing his concerns about a gravel pit near his house not adhering to the regulations the city set-up so the gravel pit could operate. It just happens that the owner of the gravel pit is a prominent figure in the community and more than likely both friends and supporter of many of the members. And while I am certain the gravel pit contributes its share to the community – I also know that it does not operate in 100% compliance of not just the city regs but the state laws… And c’mon, if you live in McHenry County – no gravel pit is your friend.
But, in reality – I could sense the pretense of the issue. A supervisor of the gravel pit spoke in response (more like retaliation) to the complaint and while I am sure he meant well – there was very little remorse for the situation – very little ownership for both the problem and/or the responsibility to do something about it. And, it just didn’t seem like the majority of the council members were willing to stand up for the concerned citizen. Instead, they hid behind minor changes they would make and said that the gravel pit owner was working with the city in a cooperative effort and they were grateful for his efforts. The citizen suggested that perhaps the cooperative effort could translate to following the rules in the future.
Second, a builder was on the agenda for requesting an extension for building the sidewalks they said they would build when they started the development. Sure, we all realize that the construction trades have fallen flat on their face and that the myriad of building phases they had planned have all but collapsed. But, the fact of the matter is that they do have residents living in their communities – who thought they were going to be getting something for the money they spent and now that the builders are losing money – the people who bought the properties are left with little to say. The irony is that if the resident could no longer pay the assessment or association fee because they lost their job – I have a hard time believing that the builder would let it slide..
But anyway, the man gave a nice and caring speech and being the good boys that they are – they gave him a TWO YEAR hiatus on the sidewalks. TWO years – sure he could build them sooner – but what are the odds he will?
That was the kind of night it was… and the leash law was no different. Certain members of the council put all the right players in place to get just what they wanted. And, sadly, my first council meeting left me feeling raped of my civil liberties and flabbergasted that I lived in a community that worships the good ole boys.
On the positive side – I know who I will and will not vote for in the next council election… and I will try and make it a priority to pop in to a few more city council meetings but the reality is that I was better off never going – never realizing that I should be a little ashamed (maybe a lot) of what my council practices.
I sit on the fence with my political views – while I am certain my social beliefs are liberal my fiscal views tend to be conservative… my family calls me a democrat but I question it – I believe that everyone has a right to make money and that they shouldn’t have to give it all away to someone who chooses not to make money – but last night I was sadly reminded why there are laws to protect consumers, citizens from big businesses and why no one should be able to be in office for more than one term.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Truths: Go Team – Go!!
Green and Gold…Go Packers… Yep, still intoxicated by the smell of popcorn and cold beer and fresh, chilled football air – and the loud roar of the crowd from the Green Bay Packer Game.
We packed ourselves into the car at 5:30am to drive 4 hours and cheer our team to victory (or loss as it turned out). We dressed in green and gold (two colors that should not be on the same shirt – let alone fill a stadium) packed our coolers and grabbed our mittens and made our way to the infamous, “Lambeau Field.” Often coined the frozen tundra because of frigid cold WI weather – but lucky for us – it was a beautiful fall day.
We picked up our daughter, Kristin and future son-in-law Jeffrey along the way as Abby read off the team stats from the back seat.
We were primed and ready to go. Abby’s first game, my third and to all an exciting day to be a fan of any team.
Going to a football game is so much more than watching a football team play. It is this overwhelming sense of camaraderie – this fulfilling sense of belonging to something waaaay bigger than yourself. And quite frankly, it can be scary to see just how endearing some of the fans really are.
We pulled into the adjacent lot gaping at the RV’s and busses parked – drenched in green and gold Packer garb – cooking out burgers and brats – tapping kegs and throwing footballs. This was it – this was the beginning of the adrenaline rush a fan feels as they get closer to the stadium – closer to their team.
For Abby – it was so much to take in. But, she quickly fell into the swing of things by asking for a green and gold feather boa…walking proudly around the place – now just as crazy as the rest of them.
We didn’t have much hope for our tickets even though they cost us a portion of Abby’s college tuition…A friend said, “but the experience will be priceless…” no, really, it had a price!
But, our seats were amazing. We could practically reach out our hands and touch the turf – spit on a player – We sat basking in the sun and soaking up the excitement (and the beer).
What is even more amazing is how TV makes NFL football feel so differently than regular football. When you are sitting next to the field and watching the plays – you realize that, ultimately, it is no better than high school. The quarterback calls the plays and the linemen do their best to keep him safe. It is the same field – just the players are older – and bigger.
It got me thinking to 21 years ago when I was a senior in high school (I can’t believe I am giving away my age) and I was out on that field – as a football manager. Bringing the cute boys water and hanging with them as they talked about the plans for the evening (not the plays for the game!).
I was a football manager for three years in high school – and to this day consider it one of the best experiences of my life. I did the basketball cheerleading thing in the winter – but nothing could hold a candle to really being a part of the team… Yeah, maybe I dated a few of the players – but really, they became like brothers to me and it was about something bigger than myself.
See as a football manager – we got to spend everyday with the team – from hot summer double sessions of practice – to game day breakfasts – to bus trips and my favorite: the team meeting the night before the game. Being in that field house – listening to the coach motivate the spirit of the team – feeling the way the guys cared about the game… That was moving – Shouting rah, rahs while guys shot hoops – yeah, it wasn’t the same.
I liked football before I was a football manager – but by the time my senior year came around – I loved football and felt like I was a part of it.
It wasn’t just the game – it was everything that surrounded it – the practices, the meetings, the games, - our record was important to me – winning or losing mattered – but how we played the game on and off the field – that was what captured my heart.
These guys had my back – I was one of them and that was fun, amazing, and unforgettable. (what was forgettable was some of the pre-game nights when the sunshine club – aka: football team - did tequila shots in prep for Saturdays games…)
Being that close to the field yesterday – certainly made me remember what football means to me – the memories I have of being part of a team…
I think that is what brings fans together – not everyone can be down on the field – throwing or catching the ball – or coaching the team to victory – but everyone can dress themselves in team colors (however ugly they are) and cheer and for a few hours on a Sunday and be part of team much bigger then themselves.
We packed ourselves into the car at 5:30am to drive 4 hours and cheer our team to victory (or loss as it turned out). We dressed in green and gold (two colors that should not be on the same shirt – let alone fill a stadium) packed our coolers and grabbed our mittens and made our way to the infamous, “Lambeau Field.” Often coined the frozen tundra because of frigid cold WI weather – but lucky for us – it was a beautiful fall day.
We picked up our daughter, Kristin and future son-in-law Jeffrey along the way as Abby read off the team stats from the back seat.
We were primed and ready to go. Abby’s first game, my third and to all an exciting day to be a fan of any team.
Going to a football game is so much more than watching a football team play. It is this overwhelming sense of camaraderie – this fulfilling sense of belonging to something waaaay bigger than yourself. And quite frankly, it can be scary to see just how endearing some of the fans really are.
We pulled into the adjacent lot gaping at the RV’s and busses parked – drenched in green and gold Packer garb – cooking out burgers and brats – tapping kegs and throwing footballs. This was it – this was the beginning of the adrenaline rush a fan feels as they get closer to the stadium – closer to their team.
For Abby – it was so much to take in. But, she quickly fell into the swing of things by asking for a green and gold feather boa…walking proudly around the place – now just as crazy as the rest of them.
We didn’t have much hope for our tickets even though they cost us a portion of Abby’s college tuition…A friend said, “but the experience will be priceless…” no, really, it had a price!
But, our seats were amazing. We could practically reach out our hands and touch the turf – spit on a player – We sat basking in the sun and soaking up the excitement (and the beer).
What is even more amazing is how TV makes NFL football feel so differently than regular football. When you are sitting next to the field and watching the plays – you realize that, ultimately, it is no better than high school. The quarterback calls the plays and the linemen do their best to keep him safe. It is the same field – just the players are older – and bigger.
It got me thinking to 21 years ago when I was a senior in high school (I can’t believe I am giving away my age) and I was out on that field – as a football manager. Bringing the cute boys water and hanging with them as they talked about the plans for the evening (not the plays for the game!).
I was a football manager for three years in high school – and to this day consider it one of the best experiences of my life. I did the basketball cheerleading thing in the winter – but nothing could hold a candle to really being a part of the team… Yeah, maybe I dated a few of the players – but really, they became like brothers to me and it was about something bigger than myself.
See as a football manager – we got to spend everyday with the team – from hot summer double sessions of practice – to game day breakfasts – to bus trips and my favorite: the team meeting the night before the game. Being in that field house – listening to the coach motivate the spirit of the team – feeling the way the guys cared about the game… That was moving – Shouting rah, rahs while guys shot hoops – yeah, it wasn’t the same.
I liked football before I was a football manager – but by the time my senior year came around – I loved football and felt like I was a part of it.
It wasn’t just the game – it was everything that surrounded it – the practices, the meetings, the games, - our record was important to me – winning or losing mattered – but how we played the game on and off the field – that was what captured my heart.
These guys had my back – I was one of them and that was fun, amazing, and unforgettable. (what was forgettable was some of the pre-game nights when the sunshine club – aka: football team - did tequila shots in prep for Saturdays games…)
Being that close to the field yesterday – certainly made me remember what football means to me – the memories I have of being part of a team…
I think that is what brings fans together – not everyone can be down on the field – throwing or catching the ball – or coaching the team to victory – but everyone can dress themselves in team colors (however ugly they are) and cheer and for a few hours on a Sunday and be part of team much bigger then themselves.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Truths: A picture is worth a thousand words
The other day I was downloading (or uploading) photos from my trip to Cali and for whatever techie reason – my Kodak photo program kept erroring out. It has been happening a lot and since I am not a tech – I just ignore it.
Well, this time got me worried – we know the computer Gods have not been on my side lately – I dodged a big bullet just a few months ago – when my computer crashed but they were able to save my hard drive which meant they saved my pictures…
So, I wasn’t going to take any chances and decided to transfer all of the Kodak pictures to the Apple software iphoto. There were 3000 pictures spanning the last 5 plus years of my life.
As I made the transfer – I actually got to see all of the pictures flash before my eyes. And ironically, since I had Pandora playing on my computer (if you don’t know what this is – I feel like I have to tell you… My future son-in-law, Dave showed it to me in CA. So you go to Pandora.com and set up an account – its free – and then you get to put in an artist, song, etc and you set-up your own radio station that randomly plays music in that genre. I love it… I hear songs I like that I would never have heard otherwise. There are a few commercials – hey they have to pay for it somehow – but it really is the coolest thing.)
So, anyway, my genre was Lifehouse and the music was playing and my pictures were flashing before my eyes and somewhere between Abby going to 1st grade and graduating 5th grade – it hit me: this was a slideshow of my life.
My life – the last 5 years – one picture at a time – in front of me. Christmas, Easter, the cabin remodel, the pregnant cats and kittens I fostered, the puppy mill auctions, our trip to the Grand Canyon, my renunion, my friends, my family. Everything I love and everything I had done – one second at a time.
The music made it even better, music I like…. In some ways it was like being at my own funeral – thinking about how this would be what they would show. (Which is creepy and dark to think about, I know…)
But, the point is –if you keep pictures of your life and have easy access to them – it is well worth doing this exercise because you realize in a matter of 10 minutes what is important in your life: what matters – because we take photos of the things we care most about – the things and people who we love.
And, I think that on daily basis we don’t think about that enough. Our days are hectic with our jobs and mindless chores and to do lists and we overlook what we love, who we love. We are always trying to get through today – with the hope of tomorrow being better and the people we love get ignored and the things that we are passionate about have to wait another day.
What if that was my funeral slide show? What was it missing – how did I feel about it? Was it enough?
It was actually. In fact, it made me realize what a blessed life I have – embracing my passions and surrounded by the people I love. Sure there were things I have yet to accomplish but I am working on those… This really wasn’t my funeral slide show so I hope I still have some time left.
But, even though I was happy with what I saw – it was still a good reminder to make efforts to keep in touch with my friends and my family – to have more get togethers – to share each others lives more often and enjoy each other’s company.
It also reminded me to keep going… to keep trudging thru and pursuing what matters… And, of course, photographing it all – because when the holiday is over, or the event has ended, or the accomplishment fades away – they are always alive and in color in photos.
Well, this time got me worried – we know the computer Gods have not been on my side lately – I dodged a big bullet just a few months ago – when my computer crashed but they were able to save my hard drive which meant they saved my pictures…
So, I wasn’t going to take any chances and decided to transfer all of the Kodak pictures to the Apple software iphoto. There were 3000 pictures spanning the last 5 plus years of my life.
As I made the transfer – I actually got to see all of the pictures flash before my eyes. And ironically, since I had Pandora playing on my computer (if you don’t know what this is – I feel like I have to tell you… My future son-in-law, Dave showed it to me in CA. So you go to Pandora.com and set up an account – its free – and then you get to put in an artist, song, etc and you set-up your own radio station that randomly plays music in that genre. I love it… I hear songs I like that I would never have heard otherwise. There are a few commercials – hey they have to pay for it somehow – but it really is the coolest thing.)
So, anyway, my genre was Lifehouse and the music was playing and my pictures were flashing before my eyes and somewhere between Abby going to 1st grade and graduating 5th grade – it hit me: this was a slideshow of my life.
My life – the last 5 years – one picture at a time – in front of me. Christmas, Easter, the cabin remodel, the pregnant cats and kittens I fostered, the puppy mill auctions, our trip to the Grand Canyon, my renunion, my friends, my family. Everything I love and everything I had done – one second at a time.
The music made it even better, music I like…. In some ways it was like being at my own funeral – thinking about how this would be what they would show. (Which is creepy and dark to think about, I know…)
But, the point is –if you keep pictures of your life and have easy access to them – it is well worth doing this exercise because you realize in a matter of 10 minutes what is important in your life: what matters – because we take photos of the things we care most about – the things and people who we love.
And, I think that on daily basis we don’t think about that enough. Our days are hectic with our jobs and mindless chores and to do lists and we overlook what we love, who we love. We are always trying to get through today – with the hope of tomorrow being better and the people we love get ignored and the things that we are passionate about have to wait another day.
What if that was my funeral slide show? What was it missing – how did I feel about it? Was it enough?
It was actually. In fact, it made me realize what a blessed life I have – embracing my passions and surrounded by the people I love. Sure there were things I have yet to accomplish but I am working on those… This really wasn’t my funeral slide show so I hope I still have some time left.
But, even though I was happy with what I saw – it was still a good reminder to make efforts to keep in touch with my friends and my family – to have more get togethers – to share each others lives more often and enjoy each other’s company.
It also reminded me to keep going… to keep trudging thru and pursuing what matters… And, of course, photographing it all – because when the holiday is over, or the event has ended, or the accomplishment fades away – they are always alive and in color in photos.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Truths: Betty Crocker Watch Out
So, awhile back I alluded to the fact that our refrigerator broke. To some that might seem like awhile ago and no, we had not replaced it yet. I wanted to, right away, but life got in the way – and truthfully, I don’t cook so being without a refrigerator just meant that my chocolate milk and Bill’s beer wasn’t getting cold – but with a mini fridge in the garage – we had that covered. That and some butter, mayo and the Vidalia onions we bought from the Shriners.
I did find time to measure and re-measure the inadequate opening I had to put the fridge. I wanted one of those French door fridges with the freezers on the bottom. But, that wasn’t going to fit… We would have to get a fridge just the same as the one we had – but I could at least get stainless steel. Yay.
However, with my trip to Cali in the works ordering a fridge wasn’t going to happen and even if I did order it – I figured that they would deliver it when I was gone. (That turned out to be a pipe dream).
I had done some extensive research on-line comparing models and prices. (and I did check out some new stoves along the way.)
When I got back from Cali (and saw the mold growing in the old fridge) it was definitely time to get my act together and get a new one. Again, I spent an hour on the web surfing for prices and found the absolute best deal at BestBuy.com. And when I mean best deal, I mean I was saving hundreds of dollars and getting free shipping!
But, ordering a major appliance (maybe two) on-line was a bit intimidating to me so I got in the car and drove to the nearest Best Buy… on the way, I passed our local appliance store and feeling guilty about not supporting a mom and pop shop I made a u-turn and went in. I thought I should at least give them a chance.
I walked in and glanced at all the appliances – thinking of taking a look when the salesman asked if I needed help and when I asked if they had what I was looking for – he abruptly told me, “NO!”
Hey, I gave them a chance. On to Best Buy I went. That is where I met Karl – a nice man who would be happy to help me. I asked if the prices in the store were the same as the ones on-line. He said that if they weren’t they would match them.
We began looking up my desired fridge…
Oh, let me back up… all of this time on the web I looked for a new stove. I checked models and compared prices. Like our fridge and the dishwasher we already replaced, the stove was soon to be on the way out. Already some of the burners weren’t working so appealing to my husband wasn’t THAT hard… and while he was still in CA – looking at potential retirement homes on the beach – that we can’t afford – I texted him and said, “Well since we won’t be moving there anytime soon, maybe we could get a new stove.”
To which he replied, “Knock yourself out!”
Yay me… But see here is the ironic thing, that you already know, I don’t cook. Getting a new stove is like getting a baseball mitt when you don’t play the game – what is the point.
Well, there was the cosmetic point that our appliances would match and our kitchen would be updated (though not as updated as I would like: new cabinets, new counters)…
And, I guess at the time that really was the only point…
But, lets continue with my shopping experience… Now, knowing that I could get the stove – Karl was looking up both items and realizing that no, the prices at the store were hundreds of dollars more and shipping was not free! Talk about crazy big box thinking.
But, he was happy to match everything on-line. He really was the nicest man. Karl and I worked together to overcome the many obstacles he faced getting my order right. And, along the way he convinced me to get a credit card where I could defer payments for 18 months.
As he was maneuvering through the complex computer system, I began browsing thru the stoves that were on display – there was one similar to the model I chose and when I began opening it up and seeing the accessories it came with – I actually felt an excitement building. This cooking thing might just turn out to be…fun?
After about an hour (or more) my purchases were complete and the stove would be delivered in two weeks and the fridge, well at least three weeks. Guess I could have ordered before I left for Cali.
I left the store feeling proud about my wise shopping and saving hundreds of dollars with my research and my unwavering pursuit to get the prices I found on-line. And, I felt – excited – unbelievable enthusiasm about this new stove. Not only was I looking forward to how it would look in the kitchen…But I found myself thinking about cooking.
A long time ago, on two different occasions, I bought recipe boxes, filled with old recipes – all handwritten – at the flea market. What possessed me to make such a crazy purchase I will never know. I didn’t even like the recipe boxes to begin with and even if I did like the boxes its not like I needed any recipe boxes. But, at the time, I thought how cool it would be to prepare these recipes that were written by someone’s grandma 20 years ago.
I began thinking about those boxes that were, undoubtedly, dusty in my cookbook cupboard. This is it – this is my time to make these recipes – to try them out – to cook for my family and perhaps instead of storing cookbooks on the top shelf, that I can’t reach, maybe I will put the take-out menus and phonebooks for reservations there.
See, the other thing that has become a revelation to me is that I just want to be home. All of my recent travels have been fantastic – but since there have been so many in a short time – it has left me homesick and with the realization – that I am done seeking things outside of myself and just want to nest, to stay, to revel in the comfort of my own space.
Between this newfound desire and the excitement of a new stove – I was really enthralled with the concept of cooking. Those recipes danced in my head as I drove away from Best Buy and conjured images of me baking cookies, maybe even wearing an apron, and it felt good, really good. (okay, a little odd but still good.)
And besides the cookies, and as oxy-moron as this is about to sound, it would be good to start eating healthy. I began weight watchers 5 months ago and while I have now lost 20 pounds – eating healthy meals would be good for all of us.
I believe in feng shui and I think sometimes that clearing out the old and replacing it with new – does spark new possibilities, new aspirations.
So, watch out Betty Crocker – Becky Monroe is in the kitchen!
I did find time to measure and re-measure the inadequate opening I had to put the fridge. I wanted one of those French door fridges with the freezers on the bottom. But, that wasn’t going to fit… We would have to get a fridge just the same as the one we had – but I could at least get stainless steel. Yay.
However, with my trip to Cali in the works ordering a fridge wasn’t going to happen and even if I did order it – I figured that they would deliver it when I was gone. (That turned out to be a pipe dream).
I had done some extensive research on-line comparing models and prices. (and I did check out some new stoves along the way.)
When I got back from Cali (and saw the mold growing in the old fridge) it was definitely time to get my act together and get a new one. Again, I spent an hour on the web surfing for prices and found the absolute best deal at BestBuy.com. And when I mean best deal, I mean I was saving hundreds of dollars and getting free shipping!
But, ordering a major appliance (maybe two) on-line was a bit intimidating to me so I got in the car and drove to the nearest Best Buy… on the way, I passed our local appliance store and feeling guilty about not supporting a mom and pop shop I made a u-turn and went in. I thought I should at least give them a chance.
I walked in and glanced at all the appliances – thinking of taking a look when the salesman asked if I needed help and when I asked if they had what I was looking for – he abruptly told me, “NO!”
Hey, I gave them a chance. On to Best Buy I went. That is where I met Karl – a nice man who would be happy to help me. I asked if the prices in the store were the same as the ones on-line. He said that if they weren’t they would match them.
We began looking up my desired fridge…
Oh, let me back up… all of this time on the web I looked for a new stove. I checked models and compared prices. Like our fridge and the dishwasher we already replaced, the stove was soon to be on the way out. Already some of the burners weren’t working so appealing to my husband wasn’t THAT hard… and while he was still in CA – looking at potential retirement homes on the beach – that we can’t afford – I texted him and said, “Well since we won’t be moving there anytime soon, maybe we could get a new stove.”
To which he replied, “Knock yourself out!”
Yay me… But see here is the ironic thing, that you already know, I don’t cook. Getting a new stove is like getting a baseball mitt when you don’t play the game – what is the point.
Well, there was the cosmetic point that our appliances would match and our kitchen would be updated (though not as updated as I would like: new cabinets, new counters)…
And, I guess at the time that really was the only point…
But, lets continue with my shopping experience… Now, knowing that I could get the stove – Karl was looking up both items and realizing that no, the prices at the store were hundreds of dollars more and shipping was not free! Talk about crazy big box thinking.
But, he was happy to match everything on-line. He really was the nicest man. Karl and I worked together to overcome the many obstacles he faced getting my order right. And, along the way he convinced me to get a credit card where I could defer payments for 18 months.
As he was maneuvering through the complex computer system, I began browsing thru the stoves that were on display – there was one similar to the model I chose and when I began opening it up and seeing the accessories it came with – I actually felt an excitement building. This cooking thing might just turn out to be…fun?
After about an hour (or more) my purchases were complete and the stove would be delivered in two weeks and the fridge, well at least three weeks. Guess I could have ordered before I left for Cali.
I left the store feeling proud about my wise shopping and saving hundreds of dollars with my research and my unwavering pursuit to get the prices I found on-line. And, I felt – excited – unbelievable enthusiasm about this new stove. Not only was I looking forward to how it would look in the kitchen…But I found myself thinking about cooking.
A long time ago, on two different occasions, I bought recipe boxes, filled with old recipes – all handwritten – at the flea market. What possessed me to make such a crazy purchase I will never know. I didn’t even like the recipe boxes to begin with and even if I did like the boxes its not like I needed any recipe boxes. But, at the time, I thought how cool it would be to prepare these recipes that were written by someone’s grandma 20 years ago.
I began thinking about those boxes that were, undoubtedly, dusty in my cookbook cupboard. This is it – this is my time to make these recipes – to try them out – to cook for my family and perhaps instead of storing cookbooks on the top shelf, that I can’t reach, maybe I will put the take-out menus and phonebooks for reservations there.
See, the other thing that has become a revelation to me is that I just want to be home. All of my recent travels have been fantastic – but since there have been so many in a short time – it has left me homesick and with the realization – that I am done seeking things outside of myself and just want to nest, to stay, to revel in the comfort of my own space.
Between this newfound desire and the excitement of a new stove – I was really enthralled with the concept of cooking. Those recipes danced in my head as I drove away from Best Buy and conjured images of me baking cookies, maybe even wearing an apron, and it felt good, really good. (okay, a little odd but still good.)
And besides the cookies, and as oxy-moron as this is about to sound, it would be good to start eating healthy. I began weight watchers 5 months ago and while I have now lost 20 pounds – eating healthy meals would be good for all of us.
I believe in feng shui and I think sometimes that clearing out the old and replacing it with new – does spark new possibilities, new aspirations.
So, watch out Betty Crocker – Becky Monroe is in the kitchen!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tails: Dog Beach: Therapy and Hope
While out in San Diego, my step-daughter, Lindsey took me and Abby to see their local dog beach. We brought Portland, their rescued mixed breed, along so she could enjoy her favorite pastime: playing with her friends.
After all of the things I have done with dogs from walking them to saving them – I have never been to a dog beach. I knew it would be fun but I had no idea how healing it would be – how moving it would be – how enthralling it would be.
We walked towards the beach down a sandy path – and as we got closer a few dogs came up to Portland as if they were asking her to play. Within in minutes, Portland was off running! We continued our path to a tall rock on the edge of the shoreline and plopped ourselves down for what was the most amazing experience of my life!
All of these dogs of all breeds from a Chihuahua (5 lbs) to an English Mastiff (200 lbs) – maybe 50 or more were really frolicking in the surf. They were chasing each other and fetching balls, Frisbees, sticks. Some playing keep away others playing tug o war. There were even a few just sunbathing with their human counterparts.
As the waves crashed onto the beach, many of the dogs surfed in riding them – enjoying them – reveling in their freedom.
It all took my breath away. This captivating happiness- it was obvious the dogs were exuding. It fed into my soul and left my heart smiling and feeling whole.
For the last few years I have been weighted down by the other side of animal welfare – the sad side – the cruel side. I have been witness to caged dogs – who never saw sunlight or ocean surf – who never knew freedom – let alone love.
It is difficult, to say the least, to expose yourself to such neglect – cruelty, inhumanity. There were many days when getting out of bed seemed like a mountain – when petting a dog seemed trite – when looking at my own dogs made me feel guilty.
It has all left me cynical and hard – disbelieving of the world’s kindness and doubtful of the future of welfare for animals. It has all left me a little cold.
When you allow yourself to be surrounded by darkness – it becomes unimaginable to see light – to see thru to the other side.
My day at dog beach changed everything. It renewed my faith in people – it gave me hope for a better place for animals – It reminded me that not all people are cruel.
It also confirmed my belief that dogs do deserve better. To see them galloping thru the ocean surf and jumping in the waves and catching Frisbees and basking in sunshine, was proof that dogs are emotional creatures – they feel happiness and they must feel the pain of cruelty and neglect.
The joy I felt as I took in all of these dogs – all of these dogs being dogs was literally overwhelming. I can’t imagine better therapy – at least not for me.
It was exactly what I needed to soften my hardened soul and to believe in the promise that tomorrow will be better for the dogs who suffer, the ones who only dream of a day at dog beach.
After all of the things I have done with dogs from walking them to saving them – I have never been to a dog beach. I knew it would be fun but I had no idea how healing it would be – how moving it would be – how enthralling it would be.
We walked towards the beach down a sandy path – and as we got closer a few dogs came up to Portland as if they were asking her to play. Within in minutes, Portland was off running! We continued our path to a tall rock on the edge of the shoreline and plopped ourselves down for what was the most amazing experience of my life!
All of these dogs of all breeds from a Chihuahua (5 lbs) to an English Mastiff (200 lbs) – maybe 50 or more were really frolicking in the surf. They were chasing each other and fetching balls, Frisbees, sticks. Some playing keep away others playing tug o war. There were even a few just sunbathing with their human counterparts.
As the waves crashed onto the beach, many of the dogs surfed in riding them – enjoying them – reveling in their freedom.
It all took my breath away. This captivating happiness- it was obvious the dogs were exuding. It fed into my soul and left my heart smiling and feeling whole.
For the last few years I have been weighted down by the other side of animal welfare – the sad side – the cruel side. I have been witness to caged dogs – who never saw sunlight or ocean surf – who never knew freedom – let alone love.
It is difficult, to say the least, to expose yourself to such neglect – cruelty, inhumanity. There were many days when getting out of bed seemed like a mountain – when petting a dog seemed trite – when looking at my own dogs made me feel guilty.
It has all left me cynical and hard – disbelieving of the world’s kindness and doubtful of the future of welfare for animals. It has all left me a little cold.
When you allow yourself to be surrounded by darkness – it becomes unimaginable to see light – to see thru to the other side.
My day at dog beach changed everything. It renewed my faith in people – it gave me hope for a better place for animals – It reminded me that not all people are cruel.
It also confirmed my belief that dogs do deserve better. To see them galloping thru the ocean surf and jumping in the waves and catching Frisbees and basking in sunshine, was proof that dogs are emotional creatures – they feel happiness and they must feel the pain of cruelty and neglect.
The joy I felt as I took in all of these dogs – all of these dogs being dogs was literally overwhelming. I can’t imagine better therapy – at least not for me.
It was exactly what I needed to soften my hardened soul and to believe in the promise that tomorrow will be better for the dogs who suffer, the ones who only dream of a day at dog beach.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Truths: Building a history
I just got back from my trip to San Diego to see my new grandson, Oliver, for the first time. He was born Labor Day weekend.
For the last 3 months its been all about Josee because she lives nearby and, now, it was finally going to be about Oliver – I was so excited to meet him.
I have been in limbo with this whole grandma thing at 39 – faced with reality but unsure about embracing it. But when I held Oliver in my arms for the first time – my second grandchild – I finally felt like a grandma.
Oliver is big and chunky and smiley and burpy and funny and a very good baby. At first everything he did was in comparison to what Josee was doing but after a day – none of that mattered and Oliver was just his own little person on his own little terms.
We stayed with my step-daughter, Lindsey and so it was perfect to wake up and get to take care of Oliver first thing in the morning - to see him alert and happy.
Lindsey hadn’t been out much with him – he is only a month old – but that all changed when Abby and I got there – we took him shopping, and lunching and we even took him to the zoo. Of course, he didn’t know he was there – barely opened his eyes to see the pandas (they were amazing – might be the only time I actually see pandas) but I was so excited that I got to be the one to share his first zoo experience.
And that is when it hit me – that night as I was holding him and thinking about our day – I realized that we were creating our own history. I would be a part of his life from the very beginning – I would know when he went to the zoo for the first time and when he took his first steps and what toy he liked best as a child. I will know all of these things and be a part of each of them.
That changed everything for me. See when I became a part of Lindsey and Kristin’s life they were pretty much all grown up – sure, I have seen them become adults – graduating high school, college now becoming moms – but I missed out on all the beginnings and at times, that makes me sad.
But, with Josee and Oliver I get to see it all from the start – I am and will be a part of their whole lives and that is comforting to me. It makes being this blended family more whole.
There is so much to look forward to and these first few months are only the beginnings of so much more to come.
My 5 days with Oliver were amazing. Snuggling with him, feeding him – even changing him was fun. To be a part of his life and even see him change in just the few days I was there is beautiful.
This grandma thing is pretty magical – I get to just show up and enjoy the moments – to take it all in and to even step back and just stare in awe at this little boy who is growing every day and making me smile and making me realize that we get to build this history together – to share these journeys together – I have the chance to teach him and most importantly, I get the chance to love him from day one.
For the last 3 months its been all about Josee because she lives nearby and, now, it was finally going to be about Oliver – I was so excited to meet him.
I have been in limbo with this whole grandma thing at 39 – faced with reality but unsure about embracing it. But when I held Oliver in my arms for the first time – my second grandchild – I finally felt like a grandma.
Oliver is big and chunky and smiley and burpy and funny and a very good baby. At first everything he did was in comparison to what Josee was doing but after a day – none of that mattered and Oliver was just his own little person on his own little terms.
We stayed with my step-daughter, Lindsey and so it was perfect to wake up and get to take care of Oliver first thing in the morning - to see him alert and happy.
Lindsey hadn’t been out much with him – he is only a month old – but that all changed when Abby and I got there – we took him shopping, and lunching and we even took him to the zoo. Of course, he didn’t know he was there – barely opened his eyes to see the pandas (they were amazing – might be the only time I actually see pandas) but I was so excited that I got to be the one to share his first zoo experience.
And that is when it hit me – that night as I was holding him and thinking about our day – I realized that we were creating our own history. I would be a part of his life from the very beginning – I would know when he went to the zoo for the first time and when he took his first steps and what toy he liked best as a child. I will know all of these things and be a part of each of them.
That changed everything for me. See when I became a part of Lindsey and Kristin’s life they were pretty much all grown up – sure, I have seen them become adults – graduating high school, college now becoming moms – but I missed out on all the beginnings and at times, that makes me sad.
But, with Josee and Oliver I get to see it all from the start – I am and will be a part of their whole lives and that is comforting to me. It makes being this blended family more whole.
There is so much to look forward to and these first few months are only the beginnings of so much more to come.
My 5 days with Oliver were amazing. Snuggling with him, feeding him – even changing him was fun. To be a part of his life and even see him change in just the few days I was there is beautiful.
This grandma thing is pretty magical – I get to just show up and enjoy the moments – to take it all in and to even step back and just stare in awe at this little boy who is growing every day and making me smile and making me realize that we get to build this history together – to share these journeys together – I have the chance to teach him and most importantly, I get the chance to love him from day one.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Truths: The practice of yoga and the importance of today
As I was struggling with Triangle at yoga yesterday – trying hard to find balance between my ability and the beauty of the pose my yogi said, “It is not about the outward appearance, it is about the inner experience.”
Aaahhh – enlightenment.
I have come to find yoga as my spiritual guide – it is my church where I re-connect with myself and literally stretch beyond my self-imposed limitations. I am both grounded and freed during my yoga practice and I am able to find peace if only for 60 minutes.
People think yoga is just a bunch of crazy stretches that defy a body’s normal function. Yoga is just about everything but that.
For some it is just a physical activity – a way to build strength and flexibility. But, if you are a person like me, who questions organized religion – I believe yoga can be a very intimate journey. Each pose allows you the ability to open up your heart center and to take in the energy you might otherwise ignore.
Yes, I have grown in strength and muscle tone – but my soul has stretched as well. It has become more open and more kind and more accepting of others and even more importantly, accepting of myself.
At each yoga practice, my yogi also says, “Do what is right for you today.”
Today always seems forgotten – we are scrutinizing yesterday and planning for tomorrow but today – no one pays attention to. Today is what yoga is all about.
When my yogi said, “It is not about the outward appearance, it is about the inner experience.” It was as though she was speaking right to my heart. She is amazing that way…
So many things have been going on in my life – things that force me to worry about everything “outside” of myself and in the process – easily lose what matters to me – how I feel about things – what I truly want my life to look like – more importantly how I want my life to feel.
Sometimes I think – I forget to actually experience anything because I am too busy preparing for what is next.
Today I leave for San Diego to see my new grandson, Oliver. I have been so crazed running from place to place and meeting to meeting that I haven’t even had a chance to breathe and celebrate my excitement to see him. I am too worried about what to pack and to get the house clean for the meeting I have here on Monday when I return.
I think we all forget to check in with ourselves and how we are feeling inside – how experiences make us grow or what they teach us. We plow through routine just hoping to get to the other side.
That is the beauty of yoga – it provides this 60 minutes of present time. Your mind and body moving together – synchronizing – stabilizing your heartbeat and calming your soul – opening your heart and teaching you to breathe.
My life, right now, does not feel right – it is pushed and hurried and too scheduled. My calendar is filled with ink – and all I want is some white space.
For now, I cannot change the things that are filling my days – they are necessary even if they are not enjoyable. But, I have hope that soon the carnival of appointments and commitments will waiver and things will settle down.
But along the hasteful journey, I find time to practice yoga – to continually remind myself that there is more to this life – that today IS important and that when it all comes down to it – it is about the inner experience.
Aaahhh – enlightenment.
I have come to find yoga as my spiritual guide – it is my church where I re-connect with myself and literally stretch beyond my self-imposed limitations. I am both grounded and freed during my yoga practice and I am able to find peace if only for 60 minutes.
People think yoga is just a bunch of crazy stretches that defy a body’s normal function. Yoga is just about everything but that.
For some it is just a physical activity – a way to build strength and flexibility. But, if you are a person like me, who questions organized religion – I believe yoga can be a very intimate journey. Each pose allows you the ability to open up your heart center and to take in the energy you might otherwise ignore.
Yes, I have grown in strength and muscle tone – but my soul has stretched as well. It has become more open and more kind and more accepting of others and even more importantly, accepting of myself.
At each yoga practice, my yogi also says, “Do what is right for you today.”
Today always seems forgotten – we are scrutinizing yesterday and planning for tomorrow but today – no one pays attention to. Today is what yoga is all about.
When my yogi said, “It is not about the outward appearance, it is about the inner experience.” It was as though she was speaking right to my heart. She is amazing that way…
So many things have been going on in my life – things that force me to worry about everything “outside” of myself and in the process – easily lose what matters to me – how I feel about things – what I truly want my life to look like – more importantly how I want my life to feel.
Sometimes I think – I forget to actually experience anything because I am too busy preparing for what is next.
Today I leave for San Diego to see my new grandson, Oliver. I have been so crazed running from place to place and meeting to meeting that I haven’t even had a chance to breathe and celebrate my excitement to see him. I am too worried about what to pack and to get the house clean for the meeting I have here on Monday when I return.
I think we all forget to check in with ourselves and how we are feeling inside – how experiences make us grow or what they teach us. We plow through routine just hoping to get to the other side.
That is the beauty of yoga – it provides this 60 minutes of present time. Your mind and body moving together – synchronizing – stabilizing your heartbeat and calming your soul – opening your heart and teaching you to breathe.
My life, right now, does not feel right – it is pushed and hurried and too scheduled. My calendar is filled with ink – and all I want is some white space.
For now, I cannot change the things that are filling my days – they are necessary even if they are not enjoyable. But, I have hope that soon the carnival of appointments and commitments will waiver and things will settle down.
But along the hasteful journey, I find time to practice yoga – to continually remind myself that there is more to this life – that today IS important and that when it all comes down to it – it is about the inner experience.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Truths: Marital Bliss?
Its true what they say – when two people meet and begin to date there is a sense of total euphoria. You can’t get enough of each other. The hand holding and kissing are unstoppable. The incessant phone calls and now, texts and emails. Communicating is constant and with every hello is an unwanted goodbye.
Falling in love is one of the most amazing feelings in the world – total admiration and adoration for one person – who undoubtedly is your soulmate. You realize that there is nothing the two of you can’t get through and want nothing more than to share every life’s journey with your partner.
And then comes planning the wedding and the babies crying and the long hours of work, not to mention the housecleaning and lawn mowing. Somewhere between all of that you are supposed to find time to gaze into each other’s eyes and daily renew the love you feel for one another.
Wake-up!
Whoever came up with the phrase “marital bliss” obviously loved creating oxymorons!
But seriously, how does one maintain that initial spark – those butterflies that took your breath away? Is it even possible?
As cynical as I sound – I think it is… I just think it is different – better really – at least it has been for me.
A dear friend of mine is having some marital issues (that is far more realistic that marital bliss) and it has made me re-examine my own marriage – fortunately coming to the realization that I really am happy.
You might chuckle when I say we have been married 5 years – aahh the honeymoon stage – but we have been together a lot longer and truthfully, we have been through a lot in just a short time. More than I would wish on anyone.
No we don’t spend hours holding hands or kissing at the movies – but I believe we still have those initial feelings – the initial belief that we can get through anything together and that there is no one we would rather share life with than each other.
I am grateful for that. All of this came together when yesterday our fridge broke down. I had mentioned to Bill the previous night that I had been hearing strange noises from it all day. He glanced into the freezer saw there was no ice, closed the door and said something like, “It just needs to make ice – maybe something was frozen up.”
As any woman would – I believed him – his strong mechanical background surely made him the expert in the situation – who was I to judge or doubt him.
The next morning as I poured my milk and drank it – it seemed warm… Odd – but maybe I was just imagining things. Later in the day, I happened to hear the noise again and I decided to take a look in the freezer and to my “surprise” everything was defrosting! There still was no ice and my pot pies were mush!
I have to admit that I smiled with joy – as though I just won a secret battle: I wanted a new fridge… Oh and yes, I smiled because, well, I was right – there was something really wrong with the fridge!
But, more importantly is when I called my husband – we could laugh about it, all of it: me being right – me getting a new fridge – the fact that since I don’t cook there were only a few things that were spoiling. What was disasterous (in a small way) was this moment for us – this tiny moment that reminds me why we are together because the small stuff is what is important and in times like these – we have a way of doing the small stuff right.
It sounds so ridiculous – but there is no one I would rather share the experience of a broken fridge with than Bill. Yes, I want to go to Australia with him and sail the Caribbean, drink ale in England but the truth is it is the day to day things that remind me how lucky I am.
No we don’t spend endless hours gazing lovingly into each other eyes anymore but when all is said and done – I am more in love with him now than I was when we got married – more in awe of him than when we dated and more eager to spend time with him than when he first asked me out.
Maybe marital bliss isn’t an oxymoron.
Falling in love is one of the most amazing feelings in the world – total admiration and adoration for one person – who undoubtedly is your soulmate. You realize that there is nothing the two of you can’t get through and want nothing more than to share every life’s journey with your partner.
And then comes planning the wedding and the babies crying and the long hours of work, not to mention the housecleaning and lawn mowing. Somewhere between all of that you are supposed to find time to gaze into each other’s eyes and daily renew the love you feel for one another.
Wake-up!
Whoever came up with the phrase “marital bliss” obviously loved creating oxymorons!
But seriously, how does one maintain that initial spark – those butterflies that took your breath away? Is it even possible?
As cynical as I sound – I think it is… I just think it is different – better really – at least it has been for me.
A dear friend of mine is having some marital issues (that is far more realistic that marital bliss) and it has made me re-examine my own marriage – fortunately coming to the realization that I really am happy.
You might chuckle when I say we have been married 5 years – aahh the honeymoon stage – but we have been together a lot longer and truthfully, we have been through a lot in just a short time. More than I would wish on anyone.
No we don’t spend hours holding hands or kissing at the movies – but I believe we still have those initial feelings – the initial belief that we can get through anything together and that there is no one we would rather share life with than each other.
I am grateful for that. All of this came together when yesterday our fridge broke down. I had mentioned to Bill the previous night that I had been hearing strange noises from it all day. He glanced into the freezer saw there was no ice, closed the door and said something like, “It just needs to make ice – maybe something was frozen up.”
As any woman would – I believed him – his strong mechanical background surely made him the expert in the situation – who was I to judge or doubt him.
The next morning as I poured my milk and drank it – it seemed warm… Odd – but maybe I was just imagining things. Later in the day, I happened to hear the noise again and I decided to take a look in the freezer and to my “surprise” everything was defrosting! There still was no ice and my pot pies were mush!
I have to admit that I smiled with joy – as though I just won a secret battle: I wanted a new fridge… Oh and yes, I smiled because, well, I was right – there was something really wrong with the fridge!
But, more importantly is when I called my husband – we could laugh about it, all of it: me being right – me getting a new fridge – the fact that since I don’t cook there were only a few things that were spoiling. What was disasterous (in a small way) was this moment for us – this tiny moment that reminds me why we are together because the small stuff is what is important and in times like these – we have a way of doing the small stuff right.
It sounds so ridiculous – but there is no one I would rather share the experience of a broken fridge with than Bill. Yes, I want to go to Australia with him and sail the Caribbean, drink ale in England but the truth is it is the day to day things that remind me how lucky I am.
No we don’t spend endless hours gazing lovingly into each other eyes anymore but when all is said and done – I am more in love with him now than I was when we got married – more in awe of him than when we dated and more eager to spend time with him than when he first asked me out.
Maybe marital bliss isn’t an oxymoron.
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