So, a week ago I drove away from the car dealership in a
Buick Enclave. A car I wanted 3
years ago.
As I drove the Enclave away and fiddled with all the new
buttons that I didn’t know what they did – I looked in the mirror and
sighed. I felt old.
At 41 – I guess you wouldn’t call me middle aged just yet –
especially since my grandmothers lived well into their 90’s but sitting in my
wood trimmed Buick, listening to not so rock, rock – I felt old – I felt middle
aged – I just plain felt aged.
The week brought closer to the end the nightmare of our
remodel. It is 99.9% over… and
with its finality comes the beginning of our new surroundings. Of moving back in. A time of adjustment after living in
the basement and eating out. It is
funny the routines that can become normal because now – getting up and getting
milk out of the kitchen- seemed strange.
So, one box at a time I unpack. Deciding where things should go in the new kitchen with its
new lay-out and new cabinets. I
honestly feel like we moved without changing our address.
Its truly like I inserted myself into Better Homes and
Gardens and I feel a bit overwhelmed and I am still feeling old.
On Friday, I took a long anticipated trip to visit my dear
friend Delreen on her farm in southern IL. We have been friends for over 20 years and I have yet to see
where she lives. I was very
excited – not just to see the farm – but to hang out and be together versus our
daily emails to each other.
I had an amazing weekend. We talked, we laughed, we nearly cried… I got the best tour
of the farm – hung out with the cows, fed the barn cats… Teased her husband
that he should have married me because, unlike Delreen – I loved tromping in
the fields and making friends with the livestock (though I hated the thought
that I would see them again someday…on my plate – medium rare)
When Saturday night came and I went to bed – I realized how
sad I was to leave. I had looked
forward to this for so long and now it was already over. Delreen and I write each other everyday
sharing the details of our life: the good, the bad, the struggles and the
successes. Its not that I need to
be near her to be close – its just that I loved being where she lived – taking
in her life as it is rather different than mine in suburbia.
But, none the less, Sunday morning came and after one last
tromp through the fields and with the cattle – I got in the car and make the 4
½ hour trek home and this time I thought deeply as I continued to play with the
buttons in the new car that made me feel old.
I drove through my college town of Champaign-Urbana home of
the Illini… and that dredged up memories of my early twenties suddenly making
my Enclave feel more like a casket than a method of transportation. I smiled when I thought back to the
late nights and the final exams and the sorority initiations and fraternity
exchanges. 4 years of my life that
came and went too fast.
But a few towns later, I sighed a deep sigh and felt this
inner calm come over me – maybe it was the conversation Delreen and I had
shared over the weekend, maybe it was the age dilemma that the car brought me,
maybe it was the completion of our home remodel – or maybe it was all of that
and more…
But the reality is that I felt good being old.
41 years of my life are over – gone for good. I have some regrets – but not many and
most important is that I can’t picture my life any better than it is right
now. All of the trials and
tribulations have led me to where I am right now – and that feels great.
I have come to terms with all of the relationships in my
life – I have the people I want -close and the ones I don’t - out. I don’t waste time on the things or the
people who don’t make me happy. I
am comfortable with who I am and I know what I have yet to accomplish.
These are all things I could not have said a few years
ago. I feel as though the first
half of my life prepped me for the last half. It taught me about who I am through many failures and
successes. And it taught me what
is important in life – how weekends with life long girlfriends should be
cherished, that time is precious, that being in love with your husband is a
gift not to be taken for granted, that having healthy, happy children and
grandchildren is a blessing, that still having your parents is priceless, that
setting personal goals is a necessity and dreaming about new ones is important.
Yes, as I drive to my colonoscopy appointment I feel old –
but I feel alive. I knew none of
those things for 41 years. Instead
I treaded water – drowning at times – just hoping to keep my head up. I failed at relationships, at jobs, at
life at times but all of that brought me to here – a place of inner peace and
harmony.
Sure there are days it would be fun to relive a younger time
– but I don’t want to go back. I appreciate where I have been – but I love
where I am: the middle.
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