Its been a very fast and difficult 24 hours. We had left my grandma Sunday night in ICU only to wake up to a Dr.’s phone call saying that he recommends we get Hospice involved.
Does anyone ever want to hear those words?
We spent the day with my grandma in the ICU – awaiting the presence of a Hospice representative. My grandma dozed in and out of consciousness – once in awhile she would smile and say that she was happy to be going to Hospice.
It was as thought those words brought her a sense of relief – they marked the beginning of the path she has chosen to take…
The Hospice lady came… You hear amazing things about Hospice all of the time. The warmth they offer, the dignity they provide patients. But until you are sitting face to face with them you really have no idea of just how genuine they are.
The administrator came – and as we found moments later to laugh – we decided to call her the recruiter.
She talked with my grandma as much as she could – but it was us that signed her up and listened as she talked.
Her degree of kindness was comforting and without hesitation we knew it was the right thing to do – the only thing to do.
Later a Hospice nurse would come to assess the situation. She, too, was sincere and gentle and recognized the expediency necessary. My grandma would be moved in two hours.
She would be moved to one of their hospital units right in my very own town. They only have two and miraculously one of them is less than a mile from my house – I can even walk there.
I found the strength at the end of the night, after we said goodnight to her in her new room to joke and say, “You know your life is turned upside down when you find it lucky to have your loved one moved to a Hospice close to your home.”
She has her own room and we can decorate it and make it as close to what she called home for over 50 years. It won’t ever be the same – but I guess, for now, it is the best we can offer.
In my own fashion of gaining control of a life spinning out of whack – I envisioned the interior designing I would do – to make it as beautiful as possible.
I tossed and turned all night – so much dread on my mind. Only to wake and find that the nurse called and my grandma’s breathing has lessened and has become very shallow and weak.
In a matter of a few short days – my grandma has gone from being worried about her hair to struggling to breathe. Its is heart stopping to be slapped in the face with how fast life can change – how the people we once knew can be taken away.
Maybe she will fight and make some miraculous recovery… A selfish part of me wants that. But, deep inside I know she wants to die. She is a religious woman and I know that she is anxious to be with the God she loves and I know that is where she will find peace.
Its just hard to let go.
Today I will spend more time with her – and my parents and I will go back to her house and collect some of the things she valued most and take them to her new place… I will busy myself with decorating her room and pretending everything will be okay all while I fight the pain inside knowing that none of that could matter in just a matter of seconds.
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