Truths: Pretend was better

I was at the grocery store yesterday – which could have also been the day before – or the day before that because I pretty much go there everyday. I either forget something or realize that I don’t have something. Or my daughter needs another bag of Oreos – at any rate it is always something. I know the cashiers by name and whenever someone looks confused as to where to find something I can usually tell them what aisle and what shelf.

Its pathetic, I know.

So, I went for a few things yesterday – lets say there were about 15 items in my cart when I was done – and I am happy to say that I needed them all. I didn’t fall for any of those deals marketed at the end caps, I didn’t grab a bag of chips on my way, or buy 10 when I only needed 2… No, I stuck to my list and high tailed it out of there. Well, almost high tailed it out of there.

It was when I got to the check-out things took a turn.

Apparently, I am not the only one in the grocery store.

The lines were rather full. I don’t say long – because lets face it – it wasn’t a holiday – there weren’t people stacked up overflowing the line of traffic. They were just full.

So, I did what I have feared for a few years now. I went to the “do it yourself” lane.

I consider myself a rather technologically competent individual. I have an iphone, I twitter, I facebook, I text… but the “do it yourself” line at Jewel – intimidates me more than bungee jumping.

Maybe its because I don’t have a good track record. I can think of two times out of the 15 I have done it – that I didn’t need a real checker to come and save my ass.

So, going to the “do it yourself” aisle isn’t something I jump at the chance to do. Which is funny because besides playing school, playing store as a child was my favorite thing to do.

It was always so fun to line up a bunch of random items and pretend you were the cashier ringing them up… And I mean ringing them up – because I am old enough to admit that we didn’t have scanners. Nope – every item was added up by pressing numbers into a real cash register – not a computer screen.

I remember the day I saw my first scanner… wow – the sound of the beep – the speed of the transaction… how cool.

How cool – until you are the dumbass trying to make it work.

My first few items went fine. And then came the frozen chicken kiev (you don’t need to tell me how unhealthy it is – or how whatever is really in that plastic package isn’t chicken – I know that but my daughter loves them)

But, no matter how hard I tried – I couldn’t get the damn scanner to read the barcode. I set the three chickens – or whatever they are- back in the cart and proceeded. A few more successes, so feeling confident – I went back to my chickens. I got two to work but the third was still stubborn. Yes, I tried using one of the ones that did work – but, apparently, they were only good for one try.

Sigh. Back to a few other items.

And then the broccoli hit. Fresh produce. Now that could be a tricky one to some – because it needs to be weighed and you need to know that code – the one that you are always amazed at how every cashier knows the code for thousands of produce… But, I had been down this road before so I knew what to do.

I placed the broccoli on the scale and proceeded to look up my item on the touch screen. I found broccoli and pressed the icon – and it didn’t work. It said, as I feared through my whole experience, “Get help.”

Ugh! I can do this – so I tried it three more times.

I went back to the chicken and after three more swipes I finally heard that beep – the one I always wanted to imitate when I played store… a sense of relief came over me – until I looked in my cart and saw the damn broccoli still staring at me.

“Do I really need it,” I thought to myself.

Just then one of the cashiers I could identify from across the room – a friendly face I have seen at Jewel for 17 years walked by and I yelped for help like a lost dog.

“Ah, broccoli,” she said. “They took the darn code out and expect people to know it. I keep telling them to fix it. Sorry about that.”

Aaaaah – it was like the Heavens opened up. It wasn’t me – it was the damn computer.

But, truthfully it was me. Ringing up my own basket of goodies scares the Hell out of me. I feel like people are watching, judging me – laughing at me most of the time. And it seems no matter how hard I try – I always get the same message, “Get help.”

30 years ago, I would have paid to stand in front of a cash register (or computer these days) and play cashier. I could have spent countless hours – lining up grocery items and ringing them up. Filling baskets with groceries, reveling in the beep they made as they crossed the scanner, making change and swiping credit cards… even the joy I would have found bagging the purchases.

But, when pretend play become reality – it seems more like a nightmare.