Truths: A tisket, a tasket - what color for my casket?

In the last 30 days, I have been to two funerals. One beautiful and elegant and one simple and modest. I assume they were both how the person wanted them. One was for a dear family friend - who I was honored to do the eulogy for and the other was for a person I might have only met once: my husband's aunt.

(When you come into a marriage later in life - extended family is often overlooked - everyone is older and busier with lives of their own and meeting them basically comes down to weddings and funerals - with funerals being foremost.)

My grandma is in the hospital - she had her gallbladder taken out on Friday and her recovery isn't going all that well. She is 91 years old and any surgery takes a toll.

My parents are in their late 60's and while young...its hard to really know... My brother passed away a few years ago... so death has taken on new meaning to me.

Dying isn't something I embrace. I really don't like thinking about losing the people I love nor do I want to envision my life cut short... But, I am quite fanatical about my funeral. Maybe its just my way of accepting death.

Thanks to my dad who had me watch, I believe it was called, The Serpent and the Rainbow? It was set in some third world country with medicine type doctors and voodoo... and basically, they buried people alive. I know, now as a parent, that we aren't always aware of the effects something can have on our children - but this movie really set my beliefs into full force.

After mulling my fears for many years and then finally communicating them to my parents (not to mention yelling at my dad for making me watch that movie) my dad explained to me that a long time ago - when they didn't embalm people - they had caskets with strings tied to bells above the ground so that if a person was still alive they could ring the bell.

Yes, that is what I want. In fact, I found that they still have these for purchase.

I also want to be buried in my pajamas - with white socks. Why would anyone want to be buried in a suit? I don't want my funeral at a funeral home with low lighting and elevator music in the background.

I want it at a park - a zoo- a sanctuary... and I would really like if people brought their dogs.

And, yes, I do want lots of flowers... and lots of alcohol and I want people to laugh at the dumb things I did in life and celebrate whatever it is they found worthy.

I have known that I wanted these things for probably 15-20 years. But, no, except for this blog, they aren't written any where.

I have watched two people be buried in the last 30 days - and there is no doubt that each time you witness something like that it changes your own life. Not just accepting the fact that people you knew, loved and cared for have passed away but it reminds us how precious our own lives on Earth really are and how important it is to tell those we love that we are grateful for them.

It also demonstrates what matters in the end. You don't get buried with your house, your car or your wardrobe - you get buried clothed in what said the most about you and surrounded by the people who loved you and hopefully, that is many.

Its selfish, perhaps, to have such detailed plans for your death... but I also think it lessens the burden of the people around you when they know how you would like to leave this Earth.

Out of the loss these last 30 days - I hope I am able to take away something meaningful - something that transcends sorrow and makes me a better person - and that I am able to carry a small fragment of who I have lost with me.

Death is never really an option or a choice - we come here knowing we can't stay forever and as we get older and the people we love age - death becomes a greater part of our lives whether we like it or not.

It makes us re-think things, it makes us worry... it forces us to plan for a future we won't be a part of and it makes me realize that I would love a pink casket.